People shouldn’t die. Dying is bad. Since we haven’t figured out how to keep people alive through science, I propose we stop people from dying through legislation! We have the power. Join the cause!
43,508 people in the United States died during 2005 as a result of vehicular accidents according to the National Safety Council. That’s a lot of people!
43,508 people! That’s like wiping a city the size of Santa Fe, New Mexico off the map each and every year! It doesn’t need to be this way. We can save lives. I propose we ban cars entirely! Cars are bad. Cars kill people.
We need to mobilize now to stop the manufacture, sale, and use of cars! The only way to stop the carnage is to stop the legal vehicle trade. Let’s face it, there is no Consitutional ammendment protecting the right to keep and drive cars. Oh wait, even if there were, who cares! We’re really not using the Constitution and Bill of Rights any more except where fire bombing eco-terrorists or other criminals are concerned. For average citizens we can legislate and dictate what they do and when they do it. I’m really only concered about the car lobby. They’ll be a tough crowd, but if they cause us too much gruff, we’ll just sue them for every death involving a car. This will also help if we can’t actually pass laws to ban cars. The car companies made the car and sold it to the driver who caused the death in the first place. We’ll sue them and cost them so much money we’ll put them right out of business and then they can’t sell cars at all. Ooooh! This is good. I’m such a devious mind!
If, for some reason, we can’t put those car companies out of business, we’ll regulate car parts to an unbelievable degree. Every part of a car, including aftermarket accessories and replacement parts must be micro-stamped at the time of manufacture by laser with the vin number of the car that it will someday go in. If there is any error in the micro-stamping, we’ll sue. No . . . we’ll put someone in jail! I think we should consider a total ban on tires though. The Clintons can help us with that one.
I can’t take all the credit for these wonderful ideas though, I’m taking this philiosophy from other campaigns that have gained momentum in this country, such as gun control. For instance, during the same year, there were 789 deaths from firearms accidents. Add to that firearm related suicide and assault and the number jumps to 29,354. We spend billions of dollars every year through the Brady Bill, court cases, and other such methods trying to curb the “gun” problem.
I’m going to ignore the Clinton administration estimates that firearms are used successfully in self-defense over 1 million times per year. That doesn’t help my argument! I’m also going to forget the good uses of vehicles (ambulances, police officers, driving around Miss Daisy). That doesn’t help my argument either.
They tried to ban guns, but it’s not really Constitutional and people put up a fight. So, they banned certain types of guns because they “look” scary, even though they’re no more dangerous than the guns they left legal. Then they banned certain gun accessories. The lawyers who successfully sued the tobacco companies tried to sue the gun companies for every gun related death. When that didn’t work, they’ve moved on to regulate the ammunition component. Legislation is being proposed to require the bullet (manufactured at company A) and the cartridge it goes on (manufactured at company B) and assembled at Company C to be microstamped with the same number. This number must also appear on the box the ammunition is sold in. This would kill the ammunition industry because it’s just not really possible. They’re so smart!
Since the “gun” problem kills less than half the number of people that vehicular accidents kill (excluding the 17,002 suicides because a determined person who wants to die will die, no matter what legislation I cook up to stop it. I actually think suicide is illegal already – so much for that), I see absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t also attempt to control and/or ban Motor Vehicles. Not only will we save the lives of 43,508 people each year, we will also stop gobal warming. It’s a win-win.
To further illustrate my position, I have included some interesting statistics below. This chart shows death statistics for 2005 in some interesting categories. Info was published by the National Safety Council. Actual deaths is the number of actual deaths of the stated type in one year. “Odds in 1 Year” are the odds of dying from the stated cause in a given year (for example, the odds that you will die from a fall are 1 in 15,054. Another way to look at it is 1 in every 15,054 people will die this year from falls). “Odds in a Lifetime” are the same as odds in a year, but calculated out over an average life span. So, in 2005, 1 in 15,054 people died from falls. Also based on 2005 statistics, 1 in every 193 people will die from a fall during their lifetime, but not necessarily that year. Make sense? Good!
|Type of Death*
||Odds in 1 Year
||Odds in a Lifetime
|Intentional self-harm by firearm
|Assault by firearm
|Exposure to smoke, fire and flames
|Exposure to forces of nature
|Choking on Food
|Accidental Firearms discharge
|Legal intervention involving firearm
These stats were organized by likelihood of death. You’re more likely to die from a vehicle accident than any other type of accident. I didn’t include all the stats, but vehicle accident is the highest of all listed in the NSC report.
As you can see, cars are killing more people than any other type of accident each year. Cars are bad. Cars kill people. Stop cars now!
Once I get my hands on the cars, I’m moving ahead with feet. Feet are bad. Feet kill people. If people didn’t fall, we would save another 19,656 people every year. I think I might have trouble banning feet from a practical perspective, however, I believe I can successfully legislate that everyone must be encased in at least 12 inches of packing bubbles at all times.
After feet and plastic packing bubbles, I’m going after God and making lightning, earthquakes and hurricanes illegal because God is bad. God kills people.
Then I’m going after fire. Fire is bad. Fire kills people.
Then, the piece de resistance in my plan to keep people from dying . . . I’m going after bathtubs. Bathtubs are bad. Bathtubs kill people.
You ask, why don’t I go after the firearms? Brady, Barack, Hillary . . . they’ve already go that one covered!
Did I mention I think we should also place a permanent ban on Killer Klowns from Outer Space? I have no idea how many people they kill in a year, but even one is too many!
*statistics from the National Safety Council 2005